Will your relationship change after a move to another country?

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This a personal reflection of my experiences and the anxiety , stress and massive mood swings that we as a couple had to deal with when moving abroad.

So February is generally known as the month of “love” and all the stuff that goes with it. Valentine’s day, images on social media, flowers gifts etc. But this is not real life its a romantic notion to celebrate a day with your significant other. Relationships of all kinds are a lot more complicated than sometimes we perceive them to be.

It got me thinking about relationships and the complexities of having any relationship in this hectic world. Particulary moving to a different country.

For many, Valentine’s Day probably came with lots of expectations. You were maybe expecting a card at the very least, flowers or gifts and maybe a meal out. Yet having expectations can set us up for disappointment. Reality often doesn’t match up to our unrealistic views.

One study found that a couple who enter relationships with positive expectations are more likely to face later relationship disappointment than couples who enter with more realistic expectations. This is a bit of a shock because we are constantly being told to be positive on a daily basis about everything in our lives now.

Moving abroad – an exciting adventure or is it?

Moving abroad – its the start of an exciting journey . Your’e starting a new life together, you’re going to meet and form lots of new relationships but most importantly you’re going to have lots of time for each other.

We moved to Ibiza in May 2016 and had been together as a couple for 16 years plus. Our dream was to start this new amazing life. We thought it would result in Ibiza being our “forever home”, and face anything that this new experience would throw at us.

I’m happy to say we did, but I think it’s definitely helpful for you to know to how difficult it was for both of us and it could have turned out so very different.

Whether you are married, in a long term relationship or just newly together one thing is sure your relationship will change. Moving abroad is a huge commitment and there are huge stressors involved in establishing an entirely new life. For many couples, this makes them stronger but for others, it tears them apart.

Stressors………

1. Living together – when we moved to Ibiza my husband suddenly stopped working, he was with me in a tiny apartment 24/7. We weren’t used to living in a small space but also spending so much time together. It’s important to feel independent and reestablish yourself in a new place. Sometimes it’s too easy to become dependent on the other person when you have no friends.
2. Loneliness – I know we both experienced pangs of loneliness – we missed our friends, our families and social media didn’t help. Everyone seemed to be having this great social life in Ibiza and we weren’t invited because we didn’t have connections.
3. Lack of meaningful stuff to do – its okay living on a holiday island but there is only so much you can see and do. It gets a bit boring sunbathing all the time. I wasn’t prepared for how much I would miss my job ( CBT Therapist in NHS). It was difficult to establish the role that I was used to, so I ended up doing odd things which were enjoyable but I felt quite worthless at times.
4. Lack of identity – it’s important to reestablish or find what you identify with and who. I felt my identity had been stripped away and I didn’t know who I was anymore.
5. You might not be on the same page – suddenly things might not be as wonderful as you thought they were. One of you may be feeling that it was just too big a move and want to move. Living abroad really can put pressure on a relationship and couples are forced to depend on each other far more in a foreign environment, if one partner can’t be there for the other or is not in touch with their feelings then this can cause a serious rift.
6. Escaping things at home – We were extremely fortunate we weren’t escaping from things at home. Our move wasn’t to try to rebuild our relationship or make it better. We moved to have the experience of living in a foreign country and culture.
7. Financial worries – We suddenly went from 2 well paid jobs to living on much less money. High rents in Ibiza didn’t help. Although our quality of life has improved we have to be careful with our budget. I actually see this as a positive as we now have much less waste of food and don’t buy unnecessary stuff.

So how did it all end ………..?

We decided jointly, although it was more my husbands need to leave Ibiza, that we would move to Valencia. Its essential to have more than just beaches, beautiful scenery and the odd party.

It became stifling in terms of our mental wellbeing and our ability to do what we are passionate about, helping people.

So we have adopted an attitude ” nowhere at the moment is permanent and we will see what happens”. This change in attitude has given us both a new perspective. We can actually enjoy our moments here without thinking too far ahead.

We have certainly grown as a couple and are much more aware of the need to be open and honest about how we feel and what we are thinking.

If you are struggling with any of the issues discussed we are here to help in Valencia city.

www.outofsynctherapy.com